Ughhhh I keep waking up with the feeling that I’m missing something or forgetting something or there’s something important that I’m supposed to be doing. C’mon body, it’s SUMMER so get it together and let me not do anything.
I always have this thought but it makes me SO FRUSTRATED when I think about how I know exactly how I want the rest of my life to play out and what I want it to be like and what I want to happen and what I want to experience or at least certain major things I want to happen which would still allow the unknown to seem exciting instead of terrifying but each thing is dependent on something else so it’s like a big web of things depending on each other and it’s so upsetting that I can’t have the life that I want to have.
I’m upset because of how much harder it is to go through difficult times alone because you don’t have anyone there with you.
There’s so many emotions that I just flat out haven’t felt in so long. I haven’t felt them in so long that I forget that they’re even things that exist and could be felt. There’s been nothing to bring those emotions to me and I feel like I’ve felt so little for so long that I just don’t have the capacity to feel them right now. There’s so many emotions that I just miss feeling.
And there goes another day from the future that I’ve dreaded and never imagined actually coming because it didn’t feel real since it was so far ahead into the future but it did come. On to the next one sigh.nal
I’ve been sick to my stomach literally all day and it keeps getting worse.
I’ve gotten into a habit of suddenly getting really, really upset late at night so I end up just laying there and not being able to move much and I end up falling asleep with the computer on my bed oops.
Today has felt so slow and loooong and I’ve felt all sleep and groggy and lonely all day and I’m all sweaty and my clothes feel weird on me and I don’t like it.
I’m not any more sad about being single on valentine’s day than I am on any other day but that doesn’t stop me from being super jealous sigh. At least I’m not in high school where I would be surrounded by that all day and I’m home all day today so I don’t have to be exposed to anything as much.
Yesterday when I was trying to fall asleep I started having flashbacks to when we first met, and I remembered that right now is around the time we first met so I checked and it happened to be exactly one day after we met. 3 years ago, I had never reacted so strongly towards a new person or needed to know someone the way I needed to know you, and I saw you and couldn’t believe that you were an actual real person. It was so weird that you physically existed, and you were right in front of me. I remember how before that we’d plan to meet up but end up avoiding each other because we were too scared of each other and you were intimidated by me. I remember when I got one of my first glances of you in person by seeing you at a bake sale at school a few days before, and quickly walking away with my friends when you noticed me walk by you. I remember always watching the clock waiting until lunch started, and I would walk out and see you standing there waiting for me. I remember that one minute of walking together being the highlight of every other day. I remember the way things were at that time, and that whole mystery that came with not yet being totally comfortable with each other with everything and knowing everything about each other. It’s crazy how things change over time.